There’s always a reason to not do something you really want to do. Always. Lately this has been going through my mind and I know I’m not going to wait anymore. Nor will I look at the odds that are against me. Right now, as I come to a point where I’m not longer focusing on my own survival, I’m expanding my vision to other areas. These areas include the world community, and in which way I can benefit it. This is an idea that keeps popping up, like a rubber duck that won’t stay submerged. I try to bury it, and sometimes I’m successful, but not for very long.
What I keep bumping up against, and why I keep putting that idea aside, is another idea. This second one takes a lot of inner honesty. Am I wanting to impact the world out of my own need for meaning? Like, will I not have meaning unless I do? I don’t like the idea of being guilt-motivated, or “lack” motivated, so I have to run that question through my head a lot. Then there are times that I really want to sit back and relax without worrying about all the consequences and how I’m harming myself, the world community, the planet or whatnot. The idea is to really relax and completely let go of any guilt that may come up in the process.
Guilt will eventually suck every last bit of energy out of me to the point that I have nothing to give, no matter all my altruistic motives. It’s a deathtrap!
A balance does exist, but you can’t get to it until you dump that demon, Guilt.
Next, what I think is exciting is not living only selfishly, but being active in projects that are fun and actually making a difference. But, before I go any further on that subject, I want to add a side note (and somewhat of a venting session): It’s not cool to make other people feel guilty because they’re not interested in all the people you are trying to save, the planet’s clean water or the starving children you are trying to feed! The problem I have with a lot of do-good-ers is the self-righteousness that accompanies them everywhere. This bullshit attitude undermines the intrinsic greatness in humanity and is counterproductive to all the good the do-good-er trying to do.
If a person is good, better, smarter, more educated, more aware, more enlightened, more spiritual, more whatever the hell they want to be, because they are involved in some community action, then by contrast, the person who in not involved must be the opposite to those things. This platform for appraising a human being is what needs changing the most.
Truth is, people are fighting battles most other people can’t wrap their heads around. It’s not that they don’t care about the children you are trying to feed, it’s that they already have plenty of “children” of their own that they need to keep alive and are buckling over with burden. There are a great number of people walking around with untreated PTSD, or chronic clinical depression, or who are fighting cancer, or whose family abuse them, or who, for whatever reason, are just trying to stay alive themselves. These people don’t need a guilt trip! But, you probably wouldn’t recognized them in the mall, on the sidewalk or in the grocery store. You, more often than not, wouldn’t recognize them in your small community or circle of friends. And there’s a reason for this–the amount of guilt and shame they are made to feel by all the other “superior” people. They won’t come out of their own closets until the air is safe! The do-good-ers are not contributing to the safety of these people with their stupid attitudes!
What about the people who have gone to jail or prison for stupid stuff like smoking marijuana, and now can’t find a good job. What about those who have been sexually abused as children and never actually recovered from the trauma? What about people who are over worked because the minimum wage is basic slave wage and who can live like that anyway?
All I’m saying is that walking around thinking that your numbers add up a little more because of something you’re doing is, in itself, an act of ignorance.
OK. But, you want to do something good in the world because it needs to be done, dammit! Well, do it. But do what you really want to do!
This is where I’m at now. No numbers going up or down in my personal stocks, I just want to do something more. Much, much more! And I’m not in the mood of waiting until the air is safe, or until my financial ground is a little more sturdy. I’m just jumping in!