3rd long-lost written piece

 

Kilgore St, Austin

Dec 21, 2011

 

Love it is!

After so many months of twisting and turning with the idea of what to do, I finally come to the center of what feels like a big, soft, warm answer—It doesn’t matter.  The only thing that matters is that you love the ones around you.  The only thing that matters is love. Weird. So cliché!

You would think that the wisest and most creative thing in the Universe would be a little better than boring cliché, right? Not the case.  The Universe is actually boring and full of clichés.  How do you get adventure out of that? I was supposed to change the world.  I was supposed to be a superstar that fought for the voice of the suffering ones…I was supposed to be something much more than a girl, home for Christmas, cooking and cleaning.  As fate would have it, I am back in my usual role, back at home with my older sisters, cooking for everyone just as my mother had done her whole life.  I’m not on a crazy adventure—in fact, I never was.  It was all “made up” adventure, all stories of every-day life.  I never sailed the high seas nor did I start a revolution… what I did do was keep living.  I just kept living…and loving.

That was the hard part.  Staying alive was the hard part.  Letting myself love was the most difficult thing I have ever done and I cannot imagine any hell worse than that of the emotional torture that one can experience when feeling the intense emotions of love, desire, loss, failure and love again.  Nothing is worse. Nothing is better. Nothing is more mundane. Nothing is greater.  In the center of it all is the greatest of all things—myself—who I am when I am at my highest potential.

The center of all things is the allowance of love in spite of all that has happened and has yet to happen.  I can condemn myself to be trapped in the experience of loss, misery, failure, hopelessness, or I can reach a higher level and love again.  I choose to love again.

 

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