are you good enough?

Are you good enough?

The fundamental question that underlies success, so I think.

On the superficial level, our normal daily thinking, of course you are! We are.

The problem lies in the deep, hidden crevices of our conditioning. My conditioning.

Being an orphan caused me to hide my face in shame for most of my life.  Sure, I would go out dancing every now and then and show off my great moves, but I was still hiding at a deeper level, because dancing wasn’t where I was challenged.

Inherent worth is does not lie in being able to be a shooting star, but in knowing your value and that you are deeply loved.  I didn’t know I was loved by my family.  I didn’t know that anyone would even notice my absence if I went missing.  My parents sent me away when I was 5, I thought I did something so irrevocable horrible that I could never be wanted by them again.

My orphanness was my shame.  I carried it with me through life, subconsciously believing that I did something horrible and was continuously guilty, no matter what.  There was no good I could do to overcome it and no amount of attention I could get would make it go away.

I was a slut for attention and needed everyone to love me.  I needed to be the most popular, because otherwise I would sink into a black hole and possibly never come back out!

I notice other girls are perfectly ok how they are, being loved by the few friends they have and needing nothing more.  Then I look deeper ~ Their daddies loved them!  They walk around with so much value and self worth, and get along so easily with others.  I’m always fighting.

I fight with the world.  I fight with my family.  I fight with the structure of life.  I fight with reality. I fight to change things.  Anything.  Whatever comes up at the moment.  In all my fighting I gain hero-ness, and in hero-ness I gain what I never had: value.

I raise my own stocks if I can be fucking awesome.

Then I begin to awaken.  I’m playing a game that is completely irrelevant.  Human value is like the sun.  It is not touchable by anything around it or any structures our current society lives under.  As society evolves, the rules change, and so do our perceptions.  If we lived 100 years ago, we would have a different ruler by which to add and subtract value from anyone we encounter.

Just because our measuring stick has gotten a little bigger, doesn’t mean we can measure the sun! We are the sun.  We go around measuring ourselves with the most stupid sticks! Then we measure others, and withhold love in the act. And the world continues to suffer…

Good enough has nothing to do with the current measuring sticks we hold in our hands!

It took me a long time to realize that my family loved me all along, they just didn’t know how to show it in a way that I could understand.  Or maybe my doors were shut so I couldn’t receive it.  Through so much work I have been changing the way I view myself and others.  I see myself with love.  I am the sun.  I become more relaxed.  I forget that I once needed attention.  I forget about someone’s good or bad opinion of me.  It doesn’t cross my mind.

Today I realize I never want to fight again.  I can’t awaken other people.  They must awaken themselves.  I can’t change the world. I can only change my life.  I can sit back and relax without having to explain to other people why I deserve to do so.  And I can drink great scotch with not an ounce of guilt!

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