moving on

SAM_2728The kitchen is a place for me to be at peace.  One of my favorite ways to process thoughts and emotions is to clean it in silence while listening to music.  I wash dishes, sweep the floors and come up with ideas of what to cook for the next meal.  Drama could be happening all around me, but as long as no one comes and interrupts my silence, I can easily ignore it.  It’s not an every day thing that I get time in the kitchen like this, but today is one of those days, and it happens to be Sunday (my favorite day).

I wash dishes while Rascal Flatts moves on, and I feel that in some way I’m moving on too.  Not quite sure what I’m leaving behind though.  Maybe I’m leaving behind a life where I am not doing exactly what I want to do on a daily basis.  I think I’m going to stop playing it safe.  If hell has a fit, then I’ll just let it rage.  What do I have left to fear? What has happened cannot happen again.  Today I am tired of not being free, of not living my life completely out loud, and for not expressing all that I want to in art, music, poetry and dance.

I am so tired of working so goddam hard to take care of myself while all my creation waits patiently next to me, wanting to come into my life. I know that if there is anything that can hold me back it’s me, and by writing right now I am setting myself free–and moving on from all that holds me back.

As I was sweeping the floors this morning, I felt myself being confused about why I even have this blog. Why am I being so open? Do I really need to tell the story of the cult I grew up in, how I survived, what I’ve done and what I’m doing now?  Why can’t I just write about food or wine or other stuff that people normally relate to art?  What about all the fashion I am interested in photographing and creating, why don’t I write about that?

The kitchen is finally looking good and I realize that I am not writing for me.  This is not about me.  I am writing for all the women around the world who have lived their lives in silent obedience to the norms of their society.  I am hoping that maybe my story will somehow reach the ears of the super-conscious and cause a huge awakening and the effect will be that we see people being brave enough to be true to themselves.

As for myself, I am stepping out of my own silent obedience and moving on.  I can live without approval and support and don’t need anyone standing next to me.  I have ached for so many years and finally, for once, I no longer give a damn.

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